Fluctuating Weight, Shaky Confidence: Embracing Myself Despite It All.
As women, we've been bombarded with society's messed-up beauty standards for far too long. But guess what? I'm here to shake things up and prove that self-love is possible at ANY size. Get ready for an honest and empowering journey as I spill the tea on gaining back those 30 pounds I worked so hard to lose. Brace yourself for some real talk!
Me, in 2013 a couple days before my due date with my son Logan.
The Rollercoaster of Pregnancy Weight Gain: Battling Insecurities and Reclaiming My Body…
Let's rewind to the beginning of my body image struggles. From being called "fat" in kindergarten (even though I wasn't even close to being fat), to the rollercoaster of pregnancy weight gain, my confidence has taken a hit more times than I can count.
Now, let's dive into the nitty-gritty of my pregnancy journies. I packed on a whopping 85 pounds during that not-so-glamorous time, EACH TIME. The physical discomfort, emotional turmoil, and insecurities were all part of the package, which made being pregnant totally miserable for me. But here's the thing—I did it three times so it must not have been as bad as I remember lol. After each childbirth, I was determined to reclaim my pre-pregnancy body and feel like myself again. Little did I know that the path to losing the weight, and gaining self-acceptance wouldn't be a walk in the park.
Pushing Through the Struggles: My Intense Weight Loss Journey and the Illusion of Beauty…
Picture this: it’s 2019, I am living a strict keto lifestyle, doing intense workouts, and paying to be treated at a local weight loss clinic. I really went all-in, even with those not-so-fun weight loss medications. Phentermine, oh boy, that stimulant made me feel like a monster with extreme anxiety. But I pushed through the nausea, heartburn, and misery, disciplined and committed to shedding the pounds and breaking free from the meds. And guess what? I did it! I reached my goal weight of 160 pounds! You'd think I'd be on cloud nine, right? Well, think again…
Here's the harsh truth: losing the weight didn't magically erase my insecurities. Even at 160 pounds, I still struggled to recognize my own beauty. Can you believe it?!
It was a wake-up call that shattered the illusion of "Just Lose Weight and You'll Feel Great."
My first photoshoot in 2019
Capturing My Beauty: The Power of Booking a Photoshoot…
With this newfound awareness, I realized that it was time for me to step out from behind the camera to embrace my own beauty, flaws and all (just like I ask women to do all of the time)! I scheduled a modeling photoshoot with my amazing makeup artist, Sarah Lopes, chose a theme, and together, we captured 100’s of photos of me in my photography studio. I posed myself, just like I pose my boudoir clients, meticulously set up the lighting, directed Sarah on how to use my camera, and showed her exactly how I wanted to be photographed. It was a long day and a lot of work, but it was worth every moment.
And you know what? It was just as transformative of an experience for me as it is for my clients! Looking at those pictures, I saw beauty, resilience, and strength. I saw a woman who was learning to love herself unconditionally. I even thought to myself, "Damn, I look hot AF! That’s how I really look?!?!" It was a pivotal moment of realization and self-acceptance.
That day four years ago, I made a promise to myself. I vowed to stop beating myself up for the weight gain I experienced in the past and to embrace my appearance wholeheartedly.
My second photoshoot in from 2020
Accepting The Setbacks…
Fast forward to today, and I've got some news. Brace yourself. I've gained back 30 pounds! Yep, you read that right. Life happens, trauma happened, and weight fluctuations are a reality I have to live with. But here's the thing—I'm not here to make excuses or sugarcoat the truth. I’m fat again, and I'm working on accepting that fact, changing it, and loving myself anyways. Despite the progress I had made and the empowerment I have felt, I fully admit that I am bothered by the number on the scale once again. It feels like a setback, a reminder of the insecurities I thought I had overcome. It also affects me physically in many ways!
My third photoshoot in 2021
Defying Numbers on the Scale: Choosing Self-Love…
To celebrate this new chapter of my 30’s, I booked another photoshoot, but this time, I decided to switch things up and take it outdoors. I brought in my new makeup artist, Kat Sarabia, chose a new theme (Goddess), and I invited my amazing 15-year-old daughter to be the one behind the camera. Talk about empowering!
Together, we embarked on an incredible journey to capture my inner goddess. I wanted to embrace my current weight and rock it like the fierce almost 35 year old goddess I truly am. So, I went all out and dressed up like an absolute goddess queen, wearing a stunning flowing gown that exuded power, grace, and elegance. And guess what? I decided to ditch the underwear and bra and go totally commando, embracing and owning every inch of my amazing body in the freedom of nature. Let me tell you, the photos are straight fire!
Seeing Myself Through My Daughters Eyes…
It was an experience like no other. As my daughter clicked away, I felt a profound sense of liberation coursing through my veins. She took some incredible photos that truly captured the goddess within me! When I look at these pictures, I can't help but beam with pride, knowing that I honored and embraced my body in all its glory, and that my daughter is so naturally gifted in all things art! I share this story not to brag or boast,or to seek validation or sympathy, but to inspire each and every one of you. I know that I am so much more than the numbers on the scale. Embracing body positivity is a journey. It's not something that happens overnight. We gotta have some patience, and show ourselves some love.
My fourth photoshoot from 2023
Let me share some real nuggets of wisdom I've picked up along the way:
Flipping the Script:
First things first, let's talk about those messed-up beauty standards society throws at us. Seriously, it's like they want us to feel crappy about ourselves. But here's the real deal: those standards are unrealistic and don't define our worth. We're already beautiful inside and out, and it's time we owned it.
High-Fiving Every Step:
Now, let's celebrate every step of the journey, not just the destination. Whether we're shedding pounds, gaining strength, or improving our overall well-being, let's give ourselves a big high-five for the effort we're putting in. Our worth ain't tied to a number on the scale, so let's shift our focus to enjoying the ride.
Shutting Down the Inner Hater:
Oh, and that negative self-talk? We gotta shut it down. Ain't nobody got time for that. Instead of beating ourselves up, let's be kind and compassionate. Talk to yourself like you would to your bestie. Recognize your strengths, embrace your uniqueness, and let those positive vibes flow. Trust me, it makes a world of difference.
Squad Goals:
Now, let's talk about our crew. Surrounding ourselves with supportive folks is crucial. Find those amazing souls who uplift and empower you. You know, the ones who've been through similar struggles and know how to have your back. And hey, it's gonna be tough to stick to a healthy lifestyle if your friends are all about that fast food life. So, let's find some like-minded pals who are into making those healthier choices alongside us.
Self-Care, 'Cause You Deserve It:
It's a must. It's about more than just appearances. We gotta nourish our mind, body, and soul. Do things that bring us joy, practice mindfulness, and make our well-being a priority. Taking care of ourselves in every way possible is what breeds self-love and body positivity.
Finding Your Balance:
This is key to a healthy lifestyle. Indulging in not-so-healthy treats occasionally is totally fine, just don't make it an everyday thing. Follow the 80/20 rule: make healthy choices 80% of the time and allow for indulgences the remaining 20%. This way, you can enjoy your favorites guilt-free without derailing your progress.
Say Cheese, Gorgeous!
And finally, we gotta talk about stepping in front of that camera. Booking a photoshoot, my dear, is a game-changer. It's your chance to see yourself from a fresh perspective and capture that unique beauty of yours. Trust me, it's a powerful reminder of how incredible you truly are, inside and out.
Remember, the journey towards self-acceptance is not always linear. There will be ups and downs, moments of doubt, and times when insecurities resurface. Take these insights, run with them, rock that body positivity journey, and remember that I've got your back. Life will throw us curveballs, but together, we'll navigate them with resilience and grace. You've got this, and I can't wait to see you embrace your beauty and live your best life!